Fighting the darkness

I have a friend who says my joy receptors are clogged.  That is the only explanation.

I have been low for months...really for the past year.  Maybe a little more.

I have been doing things I typically enjoy.  Things I have loved in the past. I get satisfaction from a job well done, but I haven't felt that joy that I am accustomed to as someone who has never struggled with depression.

I have lived with depression, just not mine.   In my brother's blog post about Mark he talks about the family fight with Black Shuck.  I have seen it in my siblings and Mark, of course.  I have just always, somehow, not had that fight.  And now I do.  Life is gray and there is not much joy.

I get up and move and do all the things that have brought me joy before.  I feel like maybe I put enough of them in my path, it will work.  My joy receptors will unclog and I will be free.  Or maybe not.  Maybe I will continue this stupid struggle.  Maybe it is part of menopause, which I have otherwise been experiencing symptom free.

I know so many people with bone-deep depression.  I worry that what I am fighting is ridiculous in comparison.  I don't want to say that what I am experience is anyway like that.  Remember, I lived for decades with Mark.  I remember what it looked like.  There were times that getting out of bed couldn't happen for him.  I have never been so stricken.  At the same time, my feelings are legitimate and I need to pay attention.

Maybe I need new joys.  The old things are not working.   I have added more exercise and new experiences for me and the kids.  I talk to my friends, who are beyond wonderful.  I try to throw myself into work.  I feel like I might have a tidal wave building and I don't know what direction it will send me. My dance card is filled with things to do. Taking kids to see Shakespeare.  Planning our meal for Bourdain Day.  I just want to wake up one morning and go running and feel what I used to feel, that rush of the joy of just being outside in the morning air.  The joy of seeing the kids after work and listening to their thoughts.  The joy of watching a bonfire in the evening air.

Thank you for sticking with me through this.  Let me know how I can help with your struggles.