It has been a bad winter. Leaving my school. Starting over. A bad fall in December, rendering me unable to run. Separating from my friend in January. Trying to recover. Snow. Bomb cyclones. Power loss. A favorite colleague moving on.
And on May 21st, waking up to yet more snow and a freeze that might kill my roses.
I am trying to think of this winter as time passed. There is so much good that has risen from the darkness. I started swimming again since I couldn't run. I started piano lessons because I couldn't focus on reading. Learning so much more about my work, the new stuff, the old stuff. I have opinions that aren't always appreciated, but I have room to grow.
And the school year is ending for the children this week. After a month of presentations and award ceremonies, I'll be suddenly free.
I don't feel totally okay. I just don't. There has been too much change in too short a time. As irritating as I find routine, it is also nice to know pretty much what is going to happen today and next week and next month.
Last Sunday night we attended a dinner at church to discuss the future by a telling of the past. I was the first one who went to the microphone to talk about what the church means to me. I left a lot out. I talked about growing up in the church and wanting the same for my children. I didn't bring up being in church after Mark had left the family and the young woman who gave me her number and said she could babysit. That was such a horrible time and I didn't know what was going to happen in the next hour, much less the next week. I didn't bring up the fact that Mark is still there, in the columbarium eternally. All that is time passed. What is important is the now. The children in youth group and the big boy who read to the babies after dinner. The fact that Mark's parents have joined me and the children in that space and community.
As long as I remain not unstuck in time, time passed is time passed. I can look back, but that is as ephemeral as crayons in the summer sun. The only thing I need to concentrate on is what is happening now and what I plan for tomorrow.
Tomorrow is more meetings at work and some laughter with colleagues and children at home. Everything will be okay.
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