Four years

Four years ago Mark made a choice to step out of our lives for good.  I had been basically single parenting it for quite some time at that point.  The change in our circumstances was, unfortunately, not that great.

I have said so much about Mark in the subsequent years.  Our lives together, raising children, dealing with autism, job losses, depression. One does not start a life together thinking about how terrible things could get.  Things just get terrible on their own.

I miss Mark.  I miss his dark humor and his intelligence.  I miss drinking whiskey with him in the evenings after our divorce when we could still talk for hours.  I remember he explained a thought he had about politics and political stances.  I thought it was brilliant, but I can never remember exactly what he described.  I told him to write it down, but that was one of the last times I saw him.

I was one of the last people to see him alive.  The kids were the last.  I will never know what pushed him to take that final step.  The bill I handed him very early in the morning?  The eviction notice I found out about later that day?  I don't know. He was so troubled and so helpless.  All I know is that the intervening years seem both very long and very short.  When I think about it too much, the exhaustion sets in.

Mostly, though, the days are days and the nights are nights and the children are growing up and I am growing old and he is gone and I miss him still.